Why is self-compassion so important?

Why is self-compassion so important? I have just watched a wonderful TED talk by Kristen Neff. In it she explains why treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer to a friend is really important. Too often we treat ourselves harshly, and give too much attention to our inner critic.

We can suffer from low self-esteem which causes us all kinds of problems, but in truth, having high self-esteem doesn’t necessarily solve the issues. To gain self-esteem we need to compare ourselves to others, which can lead to unhelpful behaviours including narcissism, bullying and prejudice.

In addition, our self-esteem is linked to feeling successful, so when we fail at anything, we automatically feel insecure.

Self-compassion works differently. Instead of comparing and judging ourselves, we choose to embrace ourselves as we are, flaws and all, and treat ourselves kindly. We need to stop the rhetoric of the inner critic, and shut up the harsh negative narrative. Instead, we can learn to replace it with a patient, encouraging narrative, as if we were speaking to a friend or a child. We can use mindfulness to notice our inner critic, and gently replace the negative talk with more positivity.

We need to learn to accept our imperfections, which are after all, part of being human.

By being mindful we can recognise and accept our feelings of suffering, and be compassionate to ourselves.

Our self-criticism from our inner critic does not motivate us to improve. It activates our fight or flight response, causing our stress levels to rise. Constant heightened stress levels eventually cause burnout, and can lead to depression.

Thankfully, there is another system we can use which is more helpful to us. All mammals are born immature, so are programmed to stay close to their mothers for safety and support. This means we react positively to warmth, soothing touch, and gentle noises (which mimic our maternal comforts) by releasing oxytocin and opiates. These are feel-good hormones which improve our mindset and optimise our performance.

Self-compassion improves our mental health, reducing perfectionism, anxiety, stress and depression. It leads to greater motivation, satisfaction and overall happiness. It offers the same benefits as self-esteem, without the negative side effects. It gives a much more stable sense of self-worth, because it is there for us precisely when self-esteem deserts us, when we fail, and when we most need it.

By being kind to ourselves, we have more available to give back to others. Try not to see it as self-indulgent, or selfish, but something that is necessary, and that we need to get better at. Practice makes perfect, so try being a little kinder to yourself going forward, and you will see how it starts to work wonders in every area of your life!

Project 365

I set up this website after deciding that I want to build a more creative life for myself, so I can give up my job and be in control of my own destiny.

I have set myself a goal of publishing an article on my website every day this year, to document my journey from employment to self-employment.

The name I chose was Project 365 because I see this as a year that I have dedicated to learning and self-development, as I countdown to freedom. It started on 1st January 2021, so I have 321 days to go!

Why not check in on a regular basis to see how I am progressing, and what I have discovered?