How can I learn to say no to people?

How can I learn to say no to people? I have struggled with this dilemma for years. I am a people pleaser, and I hate conflict. There is also something so very British about having a stiff upper lip, not showing emotions, and not wanting to admit that we feel overburdened. How many of you have taken work home so that you don’t have to admit to your boss that you ran out of time on a project? Wouldn’t it be easier if we could learn to be honest with people instead?

This is an example of poor time management, as we end up using our relaxation time for work. And we don’t get paid for it, or even get any recognition for our generosity. Even worse, once we get into this bad habit, it can start to become the norm, expected both by our boss, and by ourselves. We begin to feel that we need to use our free time in this way, and that the work is impossible to do otherwise, because there aren’t enough hours in the day. Some employers even routinely expect it. How many times have you found yourself multi-tasking, checking your emails on your lunch break, or on your laptop at home after your shift is finished?

Know your limits

I have slowly come to the realisation that this behaviour is a false economy, which benefits no one, especially ourselves.

We end up spreading ourself too thin, because it is impossible to be in multiple places at once, doing everything and helping everyone. The end result is exhaustion, and finally we burn out trying to achieve the unachievable. Invariably, we are dissatisfied with the outcome, as nobody likes doing anything which is not up to the standard that we expect of ourselves. But we are only human, and we only have limited energy reserves.

The people that you are working with may also realise that your mind is not 100% on the task at hand. Maybe they assume you are preoccupied by the next project you are rushing to move on to. Either way, it doesn’t create a good impression.

The best advice I can give is to know your limits, and stick to them. Don’t overcommit your time or energy, as this is a recipe for disaster. Your stress levels will start to rise, which will cause you to be even less productive. As we approach unrealistic deadlines that we have imposed on ourselves, the stress becomes intolerable, and we run the risk of causing serious harm to our health and mental wellbeing.

Picking the right people to work with is important too. Some people will just clash with your personality. Others can seem to drain you emotionally. Learn what people really want from you. Make sure you choose to work with the people that will bring out the best in you.

Honesty and authenticity

It is important to take time to listen to our bodies, and watch out for signs of stress. Taking care of ourselves this way is vital. Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask before volunteering to helping other people with theirs.

Although I love to have multiple projects on the go at the same time (I identify as a Scanner, as defined by Barbara Sher), I realise that I need to be more realistic about what I can take on and do to the best of my abilities.

I need to be selective. That way I can offer the excellent service that I want to provide to everyone. Do not overpromise and then end up having to underdeliver. People love to feel special. It delights them, and if you get this right, they will tell all their friends how you made them feel. Learn what people really want. Honour the trust that people put in you by listening fully to their requests, and considering truthfully whether you able to commit to helping them.

Give them an honest answer, without hurting their feelings. People respect honesty. They can see through people who are lying to them, and it isn’t an example of a good way to demonstrate your values. Be professional and ethical, and commit to telling the truth, in an authentic way. People will respect you for it, and it will help your business. Learn to be honest with people, even if it means saying no to them.

Being selective gives you the added benefit of allowing you to choose projects that you are genuinely most interested in. It has allowed me to indulge my natural curiosity, and focus on becoming involved in projects that I find the most inspiring.

If you commit to doing the same, then you will find that this will automatically ensure you make the best use of your time, and allow you to always be in flow.

Learn to say no to people. There is nothing wrong with saying no, as long as you do it in the right way. If you have been honest, and have given a polite, and authentic answer to explain why you can’t commit to help at this time, then people will be grateful for your honesty. It allows them to request help elsewhere, without wasting their precious time. Honesty is rarer than you might think. People are more likely to recommend you in a positive way if you respond in this way, than if you initially agreed to help, but then had to pull out later or completed an inferior job as you didn’t really have the time to do it properly.

Planning

It is important to have an approximate plan for all your future projects. These need to be put into order of importance. Don’t worry, this can be fluid, as our priorities in life will change. The important thing is to have a plan, and know what is the most important project for you to do next.

This stops us procrastinating, wasting time and energy on things that are less important. When you have a new idea or suggestion, simply jot it down before you forget, e.g. on a post-it-note, and decide roughly where it fits on the list, then go back to what you were doing before. This allows us to focus on the most important topic, but also to build up a list of other useful ideas and projects to come back to later when we have the time and energy to commit fully to them.

I find that a post-it-note and poly-pocket diary works best. This is a ring binder containing lots of poly pockets. Each one has a sheet of paper with a project’s basic details on. The pockets can be reordered if necessary. New ones can be also slotted in for new projects. Post-it-notes can be added to the sheets of paper as fleeting ideas for the projects pass through your mind. Mind maps can also be a good way to show project plans in a diagram format, if that works for you. It’s a good idea to also have these notes in a digital format on your laptop, so they are portable, but I find a hard copy is very useful as it is visual. I can instantly see what is first to do on my list. That is harder to do with a folder of files held within a computer.

Splitting each day into chunks of time that you will allocate to projects works well. Hourly slots seem to offer me enough time to get a substantial amount of work done, and truly get into flow, without risking losing my concentration. After the hour is up, I take a break, get a drink or a meal, go for a walk, chat to my partner, or relax in some other way, like reading a good book. This gives me the chance to replenish my energy levels, before starting on the next session.

I got a great recommendation for a book the other day, and I can’t wait to start reading it tonight. It’s called The One Thing, by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan. Thank you so much for the suggestion Christopher!

Have a lovely relaxing weekend everyone, and get those energy levels restored. And let’s see if we can be more honest with people in future, even if it means saying no to them!

Project 365

I set up this website after deciding that I want to build a more creative life for myself, so I can give up my job and be in control of my own destiny.

I have set myself a goal of publishing an article on my website every day this year, to document my journey from employment to self-employment.

The name I chose was Project 365 because I see this as a year that I have dedicated to learning and self-development, as I countdown to freedom. It started on 1^st January 2021, so I have 358 days to go!

Why not check in on a regular basis to see how I am progressing, and what I have discovered?